I have to admit, for a while now, I haven’t given 100% to anything I’ve done. In reality, I don’t know whether I’ve ever given 100%. I’ve always hid, or avoided, or distracted.
When I took a thoughtful and truthful look at why I don’t give 100%, it was crystal clear to me that I want a guarantee of the outcome. I don’t want to put a whole bunch of effort into something and it not work out.
So I pretend to put 100% effort into a task or goal. I may even lie to myself about the amount of effort I am putting in. And when I don’t get the results I want, I am really frustrated and feel like nothing can change.
When I’m being truthful to myself, I realize I may not be trying at all or I may be giving 20% and expect the results from giving 100%. There were plenty of times I even gave 0% effort. That way, I had least had the guarantee that the results would be no different.
I realized recently that this was a pattern of mine and I was doing it with my healing journey. The past couple of weeks, I was open to the idea of being honest with myself about what I was doing. I recognized that I was still avoiding, still distracting, and still pretending. However, I was taking some steps. I was honest that I wasn’t 100% all in but recognized that I was making a 20% effort.
And when I looked at what was happening with my 20% effort, I was surprised to see the positive changes that were occurring in my life. As my stress level reduced, as my fears got less intense, as the anxiety started to quiet down, I invited more good circumstances into my life and I was able to notice more opportunities showing up.
In a relatively short period of time, I got several part-time jobs that were a better fit than the previous 5 years of my working life. In addition, I decided to try online dating again. I was looking for a kind person with good values who wanted to engage in real conversation and explore the possibility of a meaningful relationship. Recently, I’ve gone out with someone who has piqued my interest. We’ve gone on a couple dates and I’ve been enjoying getting to know him and he seems interested in getting to know me. I don’t know where it will go but it shows me that when I am in a better space, I attract a better fit for me.
What steps have I taken so far? I’m trying to be aware of how I am showing up each day. I’ve been doing my best to address triggering situations as they come up. I’m consistently sharing my healing journey in my blog. I am meditating, doing my breathing practices, exercising, eating right, and getting enough sleep sporadically rather than consistently. That’s why I say it’s a 20% effort.
I haven’t been giving myself a hard time for not going 100% in. I am proud of myself for taking the steps that I have. I am proud of myself for being honest about the effort I am putting in and being aware of how my life is changing.
It really makes me think. If this much change has happened with the amount of effort I’ve put in, what could happen if I gave 100%?
Alyssa Phillips 