Today I Put Down My Shield and My Sword

Some people may think using energy work to relieve stress is nonsense.  Today, I realized that I wasn’t totally on board with it. I don’t know if I I didn’t believe it could work or if I believed that it couldn’t work for me.  Either way, I never fully embraced it…until recently. 

I am very clear that we need evidence to believe in something.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It seems unreasonable to go on blind faith.  

I decided to look for evidence of the healing work I did a couple of days ago.  What I focused on in my healing work that day is why I went to my go to approach of stress and hiding rather than asking questions and/or getting clarity about something I didn’t understand.  I discovered that I was afraid of being seen as too emotional or as incompetent. I was able to use energy work to address these fears and confirmed the underlying beliefs were changed with muscle testing.  Muscle testing is a way we can confirm what’s stored in muscle memory.

To look for evidence, I was more conscious the next day of when I asked questions to get clarity and when I didn’t.  I was able to see that I did not feel as stressed about and I wasn’t as afraid to ask questions. I was quite proud of myself for doing the work.  It felt good!

I shared the experience with my mentor/coach and asked her what else she saw in terms of ways I was self-sabotaging what I really wanted.  She confirmed that I was in fact able to ask questions more easily for clarification. She also pointed out that I was exhibiting a lot of resistance to collaborating or being part of a team effort.  We identified it as some form of resistance or shutting off an opportunity even when I wasn’t aware of it.  

There were several instances of this occurring.  First, someone asked for my advice in something I had expertise and valid opinions about and I brushed her off, stating I wasn’t very good at that rather than collaborating with her.  Second, a colleague asked me to help her out while she was working with a student. I asked a clarifying question and she asked someone else to do it. What I was able to realize is that I didn’t tell her I would love to do what she asked if she would give me some direction, I instead responded with “I don’t know how to do that” and then asked for direction. I didn’t realize that my initial response in both cases wasn’t yes, I’d love to.

What I realized was that as much as I wanted to be part of a team, I was resisting invitations by others to be part of the collaborative team.  I was only able to see this after my stress was not as heightened about asking a question.  

The thing about doing this healing work is that there are layers to work through.  A layer may not be revealed until the top layer is dealt with. Now that this resistance or shutting down an invitation to collaborate was revealed, I could explore that as well.  

The process we have been using for healing takes some unexpected turns but always leads to me feeling better.  And not just for that minute. We come up with strategies to put in place to create new habits to crowd out the old habits I had gotten into using old outdated tools to problem solve.  

In this case, the healing journey led to me believing I had something to say as well as understanding context.  Both of these have been huge issues for me.  

I got evidence that I had indeed reaped the benefits of the healing right after we were done. Several instances came while I was involved in a collaborative effort or a collaborative conversation and I started to shut down an idea, or derail what we were doing with a question that was out of context. 

In one instance, it was pointed out what I had done and I was able to be more open to collaborate and find a solution.  In the other instance, I was able to see what I was doing and self-correct at the time. I was able to recognize that there was a time and a place for my question and that I could put my question on the shelf and discuss it at a time when it didn’t derail the momentum of our collaborative project.  

It felt better doing it that way.   

I am now starting to enjoy this healing process.  In the past, I would resist because I thought it was too hard or I would get too emotional.  What I have discovered is that while it might take some time, it’s not really hard and I experience the benefits of it right away.  

What I have also discovered is, sometimes you aren’t able to see your own stuff.  It’s important to work with someone who sees your potential and believes in you. Someone who can point your stuff out and guide you in a loving way.  It’s also important to work with someone who uses tools that can actually help you. Through the years, I’ve gone to other professionals and I found it frustrating because we couldn’t come up with good solutions to what I was dealing with.  What I know now is that while they had good intentions, the tools they were using were limited and could only take me so far.

I’m really lucky because my mom is that person for me.  She loves me and she uses some pretty cool tools. She hasn’t always had these tools but she’s spent most of her life trying to figure out ways to help herself first, and then help others.  Since I’ve stopped resisting collaborating with her, I now see the value of what she can provide if I let her. I also see the value of what we can do together.  

The biggest resistance I’ve had is to this healing journey and the power of the collaborative effort with the right person and the right tools.  Today, I decided to put down both my shield and my sword and embrace this collaborative process.

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

2 thoughts on “Today I Put Down My Shield and My Sword

  1. I am so inspired by your sharing Alyssa! This is really BIG stuff to delve into and share openly. This passage in particular spoke really pointedly to me.
    “ What I have also discovered is, sometimes you aren’t able to see your own stuff. It’s important to work with someone who sees your potential and believes in you. Someone who can point your stuff out and guide you in a loving way.”

    Bravo to you for all the work you are doing to create a joyful creative life for yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

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